Absolutely Horrendous MMA Tattoo - Brock Lesnar's Sword

photo via completemartialarts.com

As if I could do the inaugural "Absolutely Horrendous MMA Tattoo" post about any other tattoo. Surely the sword that Brock has is one of the most ill-advised, poorly conceived and oft-criticized tattoos not only in MMA but on planet Earth. There are so many bad things about this so lets just get down to business.

Brock Lesnar's friend said on ESPN E:60 that Brock told him he got the tattoo because he always felt like he had a knife in his throat. Why that translated artistically into a phallus on his chest is a mystery to me. It's right up there with how the fuck Heidi and Spencer made and spent 10,000,000 dollars since they became inexplicably famous. Seriously, how the hell does "a knife in your throat" become "A samurai tried to murder me via breast-sex"?

I am, by my own admission, not a weapons expert. Nevertheless, I have never seen a sword that gets bigger and wider as it gets closer to the tip. It kind of seems like the opposite of a knife or sword. Perhaps it is some reverse-tapered Nordic weapon. I don't know why it appears veiny. I also don't know why it has a blood dribble on the end of it when it is clearly just laying on his chest, not (ahem) penetrating his neck.

Aside from the seemingly endless phallic jokes that have been and will always be made, the tattoo itself has no depth or any kind of anything that would make it appear to be creating a wound. It is essentially a sticker.....of an action-grip penis. In the end, I feel bad for the guy. We all have made stupid mistakes in our lives but this one is up there. Every time he gets ready to head off to DeathClutch Gym and he goes Double Pits To Chesty he has to see that damn thing. That has to suck even worse than being a grown man doing Double Pits To Chesty.

But as with all unfortunate tattoo decisions there are solutions. Laser removal (you can afford it Brock) is a solid option but that will definitely set back training. Another good idea is a cover-up. Some people have already thought about how exactly to cover the sword up. I leave you with this from The Jason Ellis Show:

The World's Greatest Brock Lesnar Cover-Up Tattoo


Join me in celebrating this piece of awful, tragic artistry in the comments section!

Brock Lesnar Breaks Free From Handlers

Fear and horror has struck Alexandria, Minnesota as it is being reported that Brock Lesnar has escaped his trainers. Apparently enraged after hearing all the talk of him retiring and already being scared from the wound inflicted by Cain Velasquez, the feral heavyweight hopped the cage at DeathClutch Gym in search of Roy "Big Country" Nelson. The gym guards armed with tranquilizers, noted that the beast formally known as BROCKLESNAR!!!, "had a crazed look in his eyes."

Minnesota officials are hunting for the creature on land as well as by air, warning that he does pose a certain amount of danger if threatened. There have been a few sightings as of 3pm today. Apparently Mr. Lesnar is protecting his face, trying to prevent further injury and was perched in a tree presumable trying to hide.

Trainer partner Chris Tuchscherer said that they are trying to lure Brock back to the gym by placing fresh meat inside the cage at DeathClutch. Although area residents are not overly concerned by the escape, they are taking a few precautions such as closing their garage doors and bringing their pets inside. "At first I was very frightened at the thought of a big ferocious heavyweight running around the neighborhood," said a resident that wished to remain anonymous, "but then we were told that he was raised in captivity, and had just been beat down by that Mexican guy. I guess I might be more concerned if I had a mullet."

Fellow fighter Tito Ortiz, always eager share his insights, urges everyone to remain "in a state of calmositude." UFC president Dana White adds, "You just don't know how these heavyweight fuckers will react sometimes. I think he is just confused right now. I just can't bear thinking about our money maker out there in the cold, all alone."

Law enforcement plans on keeping watch around the perimeter of DeathClutch gym overnight. They are hoping for a safe return for the big Viking but warn people not to try to subdue him by themselves. This is a matter that should be left to the professionals.

Brock Lesnar: Flight Risk?

Brock Lesnar lost for the second time in his MMA career Saturday night. Not for the first time but for the second time. Yet, many in the MMA media are wondering if UFC 121 was Brock Lesnar's swan song. I clearly remember this being the same exact case after Brock lost to Frank Mir at UFC 81. I think that having this conversation again is incredibly silly and these are my reasons why:

If Brock Lesnar was going to quit after a loss, he would have quit after he lost to Frank. At that time, he hadn't invested years into his MMA venture and would still have years remaining in his athletic prime to switch to something else. He did not quit. He went back into the gym and worked his ass off to improve his game. He was not a sore loser. He lost with class and pledged to come back. He did the same thing after Cain Velasquez beat him. Brock took an absolutely savage beating at the hands of Cain and when Joe Rogan asked him if he would be going back to the gym and work hard to come back he said, "That's what champions do, right?" Make no mistake about it, Brock Lesnar is a champion.

Secondly, citing the fact that Brock quit the WWE is invalid as well. Brock did not quit World Wrestling Entertainment after getting buried on the undercard for months and months. He was their biggest star. He was on top of the world and walked away from a multi-million dollar contract. So to speculate on him quitting after a loss is nonsense because he doesn't have a history of leaving after losing. He didn't quit collegiate wrestling after finishing 2nd in the 1999 Championships. He came back and won it the next year.

Brock didn't quit pro wrestling because he is a flake. He is an incredibly private person who hated the traveling circus lifestyle. He stated on E:60 that he doesn't remember a significant chunk of his life because of "vodka and pain pills" and I am sure he did not want to become a statistic like many of his former comrades have. Brock now only has to travel for fight week. That amounts to at most 3 weeks a year. He has his own facility in Minnesota. Hell, he doesn't even have to leave his property to go to the gym. Dana White goes out of his way to make sure that Brock Lesnar is comfortable. He does not force press on Brock. He has him do only what he is comfortable doing.

Also, he is now deeply invested in the MMA world. He has a camp full of guys that are loyal to him and get his loyalty in return. Konrad, Madsen, Tuchsherer and Marty Morgan all either train with or work with DeathClutch Gym exclusively. He is incredibly loyal to these guys and they are equally as loyal to him. The ones who are not, are gone. See Nelson, Greg.

I believe speculating about Brock Lesnar quitting MMA just because he lost a fight is ridiculous. I believe many people are just dying to see him quit just so they can gloat and make the rounds saying "I told you so" and attempt even further discredit him. I am not saying that he is 100% not quitting. I obviously have no personal knowledge of his mindset or intentions. I just think acting like him losing a fight makes him a flight risk is a bit dramatic.

Lesnar v. Velasquez: Live Fighter Introductions

The video quality is not great. Regardless, the audio is what counts. I hope you enjoy the sounds of Bruce Buffer and the live crowd.

What's beef? (Taker/Lesnar Post-Fight exchange)

Really now?

"Fuck You Brock Lesnar!" I Scream Through A River Of Tears

The political world has what is known as "the silly season" which is when we all focus on asinine, sensationalist bullshit instead of focusing on the task at hand. The world of Mixed Martial Arts has it's own silly season. It is the time right before, during and after a Brock Lesnar fight.

Brock's haters are in a class of their own. They seem to find ways to discredit Brock at any cost no matter how convoluted or nonsensical. My favorite part is how every single fighter that fights Brock is going to destroy him and they all pile onto that bandwagon. Then, when Brock beats that fighter, they all discredit the fighter who's nuts they so recently staple gunned themselves to in an attempt to show that Brock's win doesn't mean shit. Let's do the list shall we!

Heath Herring:
Pre Fight - Heath has too much experience. Heath is too well rounded. He will pick Brock apart standing.
Post Fight - Heath Herring is a journeyman nobody who cannot win a big fight.

Randy Couture:
Pre Fight - Randy Couture has too much experience. Randy has better cardio far superior gameplanning. His greco-roman wrestling and dirty boxing is way too much or Brock to handle.
Post fight - Randy is too fucking old. He should be fighting at 205. He didn't fight for a year. Brock didn't deserve a title shot

Frank Mir:
Pre- Fight - Frank already submitted Brock once. Frank is too intelligent of a fighter. Frank's bigger and will not be bullied.
Post Fight - Frank's too small. Lay and Pray. The fight should have been stood up in round 2. Flipping off the fans is just lame.

Shane Carwin:
Pre Fight - Shane is huge and he hits like a Mack truck. Shane is just as good,if not a better wrestler than Lesnar.
Post Fight - The fight should have been stopped. Brock only got one TD. If Shane hadn't gassed, he would have won.

The UFC is the pinnacle of mixed martial arts competition. The premiere league. Yet according to the haters, Brock Lesnar has managed to become the heavyweight champion with no skills. He has no business winning any fight he is in yet somehow he will be looking for his 3rd successful title defense. This is truly an amazing feat.

Brock Lesnar haters are endlessly hilarious. I really feel bad for Cain though. He is just the current person everybody has hitched their wagon to and nothing more. Junior Dos Santos is next. I wonder what the excuses will be if Cain loses. We all know why is DEFINITELY going to win. He is faster, a great wrestler and has superior stand up and cardio. Maybe he will lose because Brock is a superior wrestler. Maybe he will lose because he has little punching power and allowed Brock to hang around and drop a big bomb.

These are all possibilities but if history has taught me anything, it is this:

If Brock Lesnar wins it will be because Cain Velasquez sucks.

Lesnar v. Velasquez - Heavyweight Main Event Redemption

There have been times in MMA where fans have been "treated" to fights that have not only failed to deliver, but became a cure for insomnia. Frank Mir v. Cro Cop was undoubtedly one of these fights. Frank and Mirko should have delivered. It was so simple. Either Mirko kicked Frank's head into the 25th row or Frank used some of his paycheck to pay an additional bag fee to fly home one of Mirko's limbs. Of course, what we got was 14 minutes of hugging, timid striking and condolences from Joe Rogan. Then Frank KO'd Cro Cop with a sloppy knee and all I could think was, "thank God it's over."

The Main Event is the finale. It is the last thing the audience sees and it can either send you home thrilled (Silva v. Sonnen) or pissed (Mir v. Cro Cop). It has the potential to either save or ruin an event. To be the fitting culmination of an epic night or a rotten taste in the fan's collective mouths. Thankfully, the UFC Heavyweight Division is about to be redeemed at UFC 121.

At UFC 121 Brock Lesnar will be attempting to set the record for UFC Heavyweight Title defenses that he currently shares with Tim Sylvia and Randy Couture, against the undefeated AKA product, Cain Velasquez. Brock is fresh off his 2nd round submission of Shane Carwin and Cain was last seen turning Big Nog's lights completely out in Australia.

Lesnar has not been in a boring fight in his career. Some may find his 3 round bludgeoning of Heath Herring to be boring and that is perfectly acceptable. I happen to enjoy a good dismantling. With devastating power, a smothering top game and incredible quickness Lesnar makes every fight a must watch.

Cain Velasquez has been brought along slowly in his UFC career. While Brock was thrown straight to the wolves, Cain has been allowed to fight low-mid tier fighters while improving his game. Cain showed he was ready for the upper echelon when he KO'd Noguiera. Now he gets his chance to derail the Brock Lesnar train and put the stamp down that he is the best heavyweight in the UFC and maybe in the world.

To me, this is Brock's fight to lose. He will have 30lbs on Cain when they step into the cage and his control on the ground coupled with the size advantage is a lot to overcome. Cain's only hope is to knock Lesnar out on their feet. The problem with that is that Brock Lesnar just took the best shots that the heaviest hitter in the division could dish out and walked out of the cage the champ. Cain Velasquez's power is not even in the same realm as Carwin's. Cain also has opposite cardio of Shane, but it turns out that is a good thing since Shane showed us his cardio would have fit in great with the cast of TUF 10.

This fight will not be boring. It will not disappoint. These two are both fantastic wrestlers but Brock has fought two high caliber wrestlers already in Carwin and Couture. The only wrestler Cain has fought in MMA is Jake O'Brien. Will this matter or will Cain's stand up game make the wrestling aspect a moot point? One thing is for sure, nobody will be kicking themselves for buying the PPV when the credits roll.