History You didn't really care to Know: The Birth of UD

Good evening ladies and gentleman, in today's installment of history you didn't really care to know we examine the humble beginnings of one of today's most booming MMA related blogs UnintelligentDefense.com. With over a handful of regular viewers a day, they've steadily grown into a go to site for degenerate gamblers and alcoholics. This is their fabricated story.

The UD was first conceptualized in the Spring of 1857 when a drunken vagrant by the name of ThisRedEngine overheard the ramblings of a young slave by the name of Deo Wade while tending to a bloody elbow. Most of the dialogue was unintelligible as it was spoken in an ancient African tongue brought over from the dark continent dubbed as "ebonics." What ThisRedEngine could understand though sounded highly intriguing. He brought the negroid ideals to Deo's owner, Barack Lesnar, who had won the slave as part of a stipulation in a sig bet (the loser was forced to sign all of his documents under the name Ieat A. dick for several months). Intrigued as well by his properties' inventiveness, Barack began to record all of Deo's endless musings. The two began to expand upon the idea creating the blueprint for a new internet blogging website. In need of another set of hands to jump start the project they brought in an old acquaintance by the name of MostDiabolicalHater (a preacher at The First National House of Player Hating). Together they created the first recorded version of the website in 1859 then known as "Unintelligent Discourse."

The idea was ahead of it's time, unfortunately too ahead of it's time as the internet as well as computers in general would not be invented for more than 100 years. The group did what they could going from house to house stapling their articles to the front doors of their neighbors living quarters with Deo Wade supplying crudely hand drawn Gif flipbooks with the accompanying pieces. In the year 1863 tragedy struck as slavery was abolished in all the United States. Fearful of Deo Wade catching a case of "uppity" they brought him on as a fully fledged member of staff. As their fame spread from township to township they decided to expand the team by bringing on a young black virgin by the name of Fake Emcee who had regaled the team with his exaggerated tales of smashing vaginas all over the world. It's reported that at the time they only had enough to pay Emcee with mostly "white bitches on the rag." Eventually with a few promotions his salary was increased to "white bitches mostly off the rag."

They continued to experience success well throughout the early 1900s. In the 1920s the group was tied to the illegal bootlegging of substantial amounts of alcohol during prohibition, but were cleared of most charges when it was discovered that the majority of the liquor had been consumed by the staff itself. Together they provided alcoholic commentary for the country throughout the Great Depression, early segregation (Deo and Emcee were supplied with their own "blacks only" writer's room), and several major world wars. In 1950 the site was once again the source of controversy when an article entitled "Communism, How Does it Work?" made it's way to the press. The article was seen as Communist propaganda and the author, Deo Wade, was to be blackballed until Congress recognized that his balls were in fact already black. Instead he received a simple slap on the wrist (followed by 12 lashings).

In the mid 1960s the government invented homosexuality as a means of scaring straight young men into signing up for the military out of fear of sodomy. Now with much of their core fanbase sent away overseas the website struggled to find an audience in the newly developing world. They began to fall on hard economic times and found themselves soon severely underfunded. Fake Emcee is quoted as saying of the time: "Back in those days they barely had enough to meet my compensation, they ran out of white bitches and had to pay me with what they had left. Sometimes it was Korean bitches, other times they'd be Indonesian. Eventually they were down to paying me with Eskimo bitches, that was a dark time. I would've complained but fortunately no one noticed that at the time most of my articles were recycling's of old shit I'd already written with different titles. Plus I was stealing office supplies like a mother fucker."

Luck would then strike the UD crew when in the early 1970s MostDiabolicalHater invented and patented his heralded double-holed boxers, featuring duel dickholes (one located in the front, the other in the back for easier access). The new underwear was a massive success in the gay community, and brought in a new group of supporters for the site (as well as creating a new practice in homosexual orgies known as "chainganging"). With MostDiabolicalHater's newly acquired wealth, a brand new set of readers, and American troops returning home after conquering Vietnam the site began to thrive once again.

In the fall of 1984 women were granted the right to blog by congress in a highly controversial ruling. This new turn of events lead to the site's staff being shaken up with the addition of Marta Gallo (she had won her position with the site after ThisRedEngine had bet her he could spell "nun" backwards in less than 3 hours). The men of the site saw this as a major liability as they feared her lady parts would interfere with their business. Barack Lesnar said of the instance: "At the time we really didn't understand the potential power of the vagina. We shunned and ignored it, when instead we should've been learning how to harness it's mystical abilities." Marta's debut article remains to this day one of the most viewed pieces in the site's history (which Fake Emcee tells us he totally doesn't hold a grudge about...at all).

The site continued to be a mainstay of popular culture well into the 1990s, noted particularly for being the last place to feature a performance by the Barenaked Ladies before lead singer Steven Page died of autoerotic asphyxiation (We have since received word that Mr. Page is not in fact dead by autoerotic asphyxiation and is instead living happily with his family in Toronto. We apologize to the Page family for our egregious error in research). In early 2000 the site sold it's story to Universal Films which began development on a script comprised of whatever could be made out of a series of drunken answering machine messages left to one of the film's producers by ThisRedEngine. The first half of the movie was directed by Roman Polanski before abandoning the project due to his disappointment with the lack of elementary schools located near filming, so the second half was left to be finished by Jerry Bruckheimer's schizophrenic uncle Nick. After nearly a decade in production "Unintelligent Defense meets the Harlem Globetrotters in 3D" was released on Thanksgiving weekend of 2009. The film was labeled as a action adventure/hardcore musical, was dubbed in three different languages, and starred Matt Damon, Hilary Swank, Don Cheadle, Kevin Spacey, Danny Devito, and Lebron James in his motion picture debut. The film was lauded by critics for it's bold visual style and groundbreaking concepts but criticized for it's graphic violence, gratuitous sex scenes (much of which with seemingly no real tie-in to the actual plot), and explicit usage of hardcore drugs such as crack cocaine throughout the majority of the film.

The film was only in theaters long enough for exactly one showing before being banned in most solar systems. Despite this it went on to sweep the Academy Awards winning a staggering 12 Oscars despite not being nominated in any of the categories. The soundtrack (composed by Bob Dylan, Kanye West from the year 2030, and an Avatar clone made from John Lennon's DNA) won 27 Grammy Awards including Album of the Year (8 years in a row). The film's success brought on an even bigger boom to the website's staggering popularity.

Shortly after the release of the film tragedy soon struck again as Barack Lesnar was arrested on suspicion of illegally smuggling Cuban pitbulls into the country and even supplying some members of the staff with the contraband pooches. While investigating the incident the FBI was unable to procure statements from their main suspects on staff as Marta Gallo was in a medically induced coma as the result of OD'ing on strawberry pop tarts in an ill fated stunt for the website, and ThisRedEngine was temporarily paralyzed from the waist up as the result of a late night teatherball accident brought on after he had mistakenly consumed a homemade drain cleaner concoction named 4Loko. While in prison Barack Lesnar found his own solo success after developing a ground breaking new system of prison rape entitled "The Booty System." He went on to author several books including "Chasing Booty," "Give up that Butt," and the acclaimed "The Booty System: An Educational Guide to understanding and attaining the Butt." When asked if he would ever return to his duties as an internet blogger he responded: "Booty is more important than food, water, and internet blogging. I have some pamphlets on the booty if you're interest in any further reading. It's actually quite fascinating the depths of the human anus and what it can teach us about ourselves and the world around us...I like booty."

Now with over 100 years of rich history behind the site the staff continues to move into the future. MostDiabolicalHater in now in his 7th failed marriage (5th to a woman [fourth to a human{none of them legal}]). Marta Gallo and ThisRedEngine recovered from their injuries but continue to be pursued by the FBI. Deo Wade opened up a successful chain of restaurants known as Deo Wade's House of Chicken, Waffles, and Gifs. Barack Lesnar continues to rape his way to the top in the prison system. And finally Fake Emcee continues to do what he does best, puttin hurtins on your momma (at least in his own mind).

The End?