Hey, you got your Steroids in my MMA!

The issue has been raised about steroids and their perception among the American public, and me being the thunder stealer I am have decided to add my own commentary on the matter. Now I may not be some fancy medical doctor or have any significant knowledge in the matter, but if being uninformed about a topic stopped me from still arguing over it to the death regardless then dammit I wouldn’t be an American now would I?

Steroids are bad, steroid users are bad people, anybody that even supports steroids should be burned at the stake (okay maybe not that extreme, but they should at the least be forced to watch their girlfriend have a 3-way with Shane Carwin’s fists). Does this sound harsh to you? Well it should! Life is harsh, and sometimes the shit is gonna hit the fan while your mouth is open. As a black man in America I know full well about the many injustices that go on in life (I listen to U2) but one injustice I absolutely will not accept is steroids being involved in my clean and pure enjoyement of MMA. Let’s look at a few quick facts about steroids:

     1. Steroids shrink your package, let me repeat THEY SHRINK YOUR PACKAGE. Who the hell needs to be that good at running around bases that they’re willing to catch Small Ball Syndrome? Do you want your testicles starring in Without a Trace? Do you want to have to post pictures of your balls on the back of milk cartons? Do you want it to feel like you’ve got an empty hacky sack between your legs? No, then do it the way God intended.

     2. It gives you bacne. Unless you want it to look like you've been washing your back with bacon grease then I suggest you do it the way God intended.

     3. You wouldn’t be able to take credit for any of your achievements. Every good thing you do you know was done through the assistance of drugs, and you probably wouldn’t have been able to do it otherwise. All musicians that can actually play an instrument take drugs, coincidence? You do it the way God intended and suck like everybody else!

Look at the company you’d be keeping (allegedly keeping, ALLEGEDLY). A-Rod, Barry Bonds, Arnold Swarchenigger (not quit sure that’s how you spell that), every professional wrestler, Steve Buscemi all a bunch of (alleged) roid abusers that have to cry themselves to sleep on the backsides of beautiful women while they wipe their tears away with their millions of dollars knowing they got to where they were by being a bunch of shrunken testicled cheats (allegedly). And then there was Josh Barnett (nothing alleged about this nigga), a guy that doesn’t even bother to take the needle out of his ass anymore. He pisses so hot at this point it melts through the cup, then when it hits the ground it burns through the floor like the blood from those Aliens in that movie about Aliens (I think it was called Black Crustaceans from Outer-space). He’s taken so many performance enhancers that the only thing still able to get enhanced is his ego, and at the end of the day he still looks like he's built like a plumber.

Chael Sonnen should’ve known better. The guy is obviously smart, after all he did go to a white people’s school, but even his strong Republican will was no match for that shifty minority hanging out at the back of the gym with a full pharmacy hidden under his coat (or perhaps when he had that meeting with Roddy Piper about pro wrestling he got a little too much advice), and now sadly his humiliating loss will be for him tainted forever. Take it as a lesson kids, drug addicts always lose in the end; they lose their will, they lose their teeth, and they lose their mouth virginity when they try to get more drugs without having any money on them.

Doing drugs makes you a loser. Who on drugs has ever accomplished anything great I ask you? Musicians, filmmakers, professional athletes? Exactly! All a bunch of drugged up losers that didn’t do a damn thing that mattered in their lives. If Alexander Graham Bell was some dirty hippie from Southern Cali who instead of wearing his confidence on his sleeve and spending his time designing his miraculous inventions spent his time wearing worn out Che t-shirts and designing bongs out of old pizza boxes laying around his house niggas would still be yelling out the window to talk to each other from home. If nature intended you to suck then you suck, and you should be proud to suck since at least it’s natural for you. Why, you should set out to be the best damn sucker of all time, to suck stronger and faster then anyone ever perceived humanly possible before, you should try to suck as hard and often as possible (just remember to watch the teeth). Don’t be mad at genetic specimens like myself and Brock Lesnar just because we were born this way and can’t help it, but congratulate us (maybe offer to put those new found sucking abilities to good use). Ultimately at the end of the day, the most important thing you can do in this life is learn to accept yourself...(you ready for some knowledge)...for the sake of your self (BOOM, blew your shit wide open didn't it). Peace out.

(Obviously I’m not being sincere in this, I don’t listen to U2 at all)