OMG! UFC 120 IS THIS WEEKEND! I DON'T CARE!

Okay, that's a lie. I do care. I love everything Zuffa. You hear that Dana White? I LOVE UFC! GIMME PRESS CREDENTIALS! BOOOO SHOWTIME AND STRIKEFARCE!!! STATION CASINO HAS THE BEST BUFFET IN VEGAS!

Okay, now that I got that outta the way, let's talk turkey and by that I mean let's talk UFC 120. The card with perhaps one of the best hype videos in UFC history is very underwhelming. British loud mouths Michael Bisping and Dan Hardy can't seem to make anyone in the Zuffa offices care enough about this event to market it properly. Thursday night during The Ultimate Fighter and UFC Primetime, you'd expect to see commercials advertising a card that will air for free on Spike TV this Saturday, right? I mean Sexyama and Michael Bisping are big deals in the UFC marketing machine, right? Wrong! Nothing! Zilch! Nada! Like most UK cards (synonymous with European) it is very top heavy with three fights that have real meaning in the grand scheme of the Zuffa machine while the rest of the seven fights are comprised of European fighters and prospects getting their first and perhaps only chance to impress Zuffa brass.

To put things into perspective there are FIVE (was six but due to Steve Cantwell get hurt, a fight was cut) fighters making their UFC debuts on this card. Some have legitimate potential but for the most part they are just filler as the regular undercard fighters are reserved for UFC cards that are held in the United States.

A fighter that is making his debut that I hope makes the broadcast is Fabio Maldonado who takes on James McSweeny. I hate McSweeny because he's a shitty fighter but also because he has an absolutely atrocious tribal tattoo. If you can't be creative with tattoos don't fucking get them. Unless I'm completely wrong and he's part of some really sweet Maori tribe (he isn't). Maldonado trains has a pro-boxing record of 22-0 and is a Black House prospect. He has a decent upside but unfortunately is on the wrong side of 30 so this may be his only chance to shine since he doesn't have time or youth on his side to fuck up and get another shot with Zuffa.

Vinicius Queiroz could surprise some people as he takes on Rob Broughton. He is a Chute Boxe product and is ridiculously tall (6'7"...right ladies?). He has pretty good wrestling and is a brown belt in BJJ. At 27 he's still young enough that the UFC could market him if he comes out as a beast. While he could surprise people, I don't think he'll win. He has perhaps the most awkward build ever and has a neck just begging to get guillotined.

The only other undercard fight that is interesting is Cyrille Diabate and Alexander Gustafsson. Cyrille was last seen murdering Luis Cane in his UFC debut and brings a very lanky build to a wrestling based Gustafsson. Gustafsson has the wrestling chops to take the Snake down and keep him there for a full 15 minutes. Somehow a Swede has figured out wrestling and he definitely can use it to win the fight. My expectation? Cyrille will light him up on the feet at range and if the fight goes to the ground will use his ridiculously long legs to catch Alexander in an armbar or triangle choke!

So the televised card opens with James Wilks vs. Claude Patrick. BOOOOORING. I expect Wilks to win just because it's not in Zuffa's best interest for a TUF winner to lose against a fighter that hasn't been marketed. They spent way too much money on US vs. UK to sacrifice a winner to an unknown fighter with no upside. What the fuck ever though right? I really don't give a shit about this fight let alone many shits.

Oh cool! Check Congo vs. Travis Brown. A fight between a Frenchman and a dude who beat up James McSwirly. I wish this fight could end in a situation where both fighters lose. Unfortunately the only loser in this bout is the people watching the fight. Kongo overcompensates for being a French coward by lifting a buncha weights. I'm from New Jersey and know the dudes with the best builds are usually the biggest pansies. I expect this fight to be really bad but somehow Kongo wins. I don't really care but as my former boss once told me "Always bet on black".

John Hathaway vs. Mike Pyle! YUS! So people are buying into the Hathaway hype train because of his win over Diego Sanchez. Unfortunately Diego is more batshit crazy than my exes and I love to date crazy broads. I don't put too much into that win because when a fighter is outta his mind he's not the exactly a huge threat. Pyle does train with Couture but he's also not a world beater. Since I love Zuffa so much I'll buy into whatever they're selling and that means that Hathaway wins in dominant fashion. I don't care how.

Finally a fight I kinda sorta care about. Dan Hardy takes on Carlos Condit. I really don't care who wins this fight to be honest. I hope Condit does because I love America but my personal investment is based solely on jingoism. Hardy has a full sleeve which has something to do with a chapter of his life that he has closed. He also has a bullshit two tone mohawk. He looks ri-goddamn-diculous. I hope Condit does something awesome like a wild armbar that ends up making the Brit cry for mummy. The winner should fight Chris Lytle as either matchup means the biggest benefactor is the fans. Seriously Zuffa, I'm giving you free advice, I'm gonna have to charge you soon.

OH FUCK! MAIN EVENT! Michael "The Count!" Bisping vs. Yoshihiro Akiyama in a bout that doesn't really matter. Akiyama is really a 170 fighter but don't tell him that, he probably won't cut anyways. Bisping looks retarded at 185 with his giraffe neck. If the Count comes out to the Sex Pistols I'll root for him. If not, Fuck that dude.

Thus concludes my drunken preview of UFC 120.