Three Cheers for Josh Barnett!

Josh Barnett is a man that wakes up every morning with the realization that perhaps he's one of the most hated men in MMA and that the last noteworthy move he could make in the sport would be sticking his head in his oven, but regardless he continues to go on about his life quoting death metal lyrics on twitter and dodging career relevance like oncoming traffic. He’s a thrice proven juicer with a pro wrestling mindset and a personality that would lead you to believe he's never had a romantic encounter that didn’t start with “you gotta pay me upfront.” Some of you might bring up the point that realistically there’s probably a multitude of fighters that use steroids that just have never been discovered, but those guys have the decency to at least try not to get caught. When Josh Barnett shows up for testing he still has the bottle of pills in his front pocket, and his piss comes back so hot his penis looks like a burn victim afterwards. His shame is non-existent, like Santa Claus or the female orgasm.  

Now I know what you're thinking, “Fake Emcee, why didn’t more of us take the time to read and appreciate your incredibly well crafted take on the life of Brock Lesnar entitled 'The Examination of Brock Lesnar by the Coward Fake Emcee'" and to answer that question I have no idea, perhaps you just wouldn’t recognize brilliance if it copped a squat over your face and blew truth up your nose. But anyway I’m sure the second question you’d be asking is “why take the time to celebrate a loser like Barnett” and for the answer to that question I would say this; despite coming off like an arrogant d-bag there’s almost an admirable quality to his shamelessness. Josh Barnett truly doesn’t care what you think of him, and he’ll continue on with his “haters gonna hate” mindset throughout the rest of his days. Also not to mention the fact that the man was considered to be the #2 Heavyweight in the world not to long ago, has still yet to lose a fight in two years, and has accomplished some truly great achievements in his career despite going on to make misguided decisions that would further continue to shrink his legacy as well as his scrotum. Now I may not particularly be a fan myself but for the sake of going against the grain on this one instead of dissing the man how about we take a second to give him three cheers?

 You ready? HIP HIP…(crickets), HIP HIP…(crickets), HIP HIP…(the crickets died from exhaustion)

Alright that went well, so now here are some completely fabricated quotes from fellow fighters on their opinions of Barnett and his achievements.

Top 10 p4p ranked blanket Rashad Evans:

“Man that dudes sorry. I call him Sauce Barnett, get it Sauce Barnett cause it’s like it sounds kind of like his real name but I really altered his first name into something else that’s actually insultin…HE GONE TAKE YO WILL RASHAD, remember when I said that everybody, wasn’t that funny?”

Former UFC Champion and the only man required to wear condoms to interviews, Quinton Jackson:

“Ayo, Josh ma boy but he know he trippin. He need to get off all that illegal stuff cause it aint good for yo package, and he white too so he already disadvantaged. But for real homey needs to go live out on the sun for bout a week cause he pale as hell, homey got the same complexion as a marshmallow. And his head is big as hell too! His head so big when he be driving he gotta look out the sun roof to see where he goin, when he walk around he gotta swat clouds out his face, he don’t got eyelids he got curtains, and his such and such…ghetto rambling.”

Of course wherever Rampage goes he accompanied by his own personal human jockstrap Tiki Ghosen, Tiki:

“Slurp slurp slurp.”

Alright big guy don’t talk with your mouth full, we’ll get back to you as soon as you’re done down there.

#1 of the M-1 Mafia hit list, Fabricio Werdum:

“I think he real cock and I would beat him if I ever get my hands on him.”

Straight from under his bridge, Chael Sonnen:

“Who cares about this guy, I mean honestly he’s got about as much heat going for him in his career as a dead possum’s anus, and he looks enough like one too. There’s only room enough for one pasty, trash-talking, drug test failing troll wrestler in MMA and I already got both my boots laced up, so if he ever wants to go I’ll make sure to bury one of those size 7s straight up his colon. P.S. Brazilians are lazy.”

And finally UFC President and self-fellatio enthusiast, Dana White:

“Listen, do you people really think we have any interest in ever signing this guy? We’d be more likely to sign one of GSP’s bowel movements in the next week, and I’ll tell you what if we did it’d be one of the top p4p pieces of crap in the UFC today just behind James Toney. Now if you’ll excuse me I have this hot young prospect named Mark Hunt I gotta go meet for the first time.”