We got an APB on a missing booty.

Operator: 911 what's your emergency?

Caller: Oh my goodness...I just cant....it's horrible! The humanity, where's the humanity?

Operator: Okay sir, I'm gonna need you to calm down and explain to me the situation.

Caller: Yeah there's just...there's no ass.

Operator: Uh...excuse me?

Caller: What do ya mean excuse me, what part of there's no ass don't you understand?

Operator: I dont...I'm not following you here sir.

Caller: Look here mister, I'm reading through this here new Playboy issue featuring that ultimate fighting girl Arianna some shit, and there's just...well she's got no ass.

Operator: So you're calling 911 to report that a woman in a magazine you're reading doesn't have much of a backside?

Caller: You don't understand! This ain't just your typical booty deficiency, she's got negative ass. Right now her ass is in the red. It's like she lost it in a poker game, like she couldn't keep up the payments and the ass-repo men came and got it. It must be hiding out behind Waldo or chillin with Carmen Sandiego cause I just can't for the life of me find it. I've been considering rounding up an ass-posse with a couple of ass-hounds just to try to find this girl something she can work with, it doesn't have to be a J-Lo booty I'll even settle for a Jennifer Aniston type at worst.

Operator: Now come on sir, I'm sure you're greatly exaggerating on the manner. I'm sure she has some semblance of a backside no matter how small. Don't you think you could be overreacting a tad?

Caller: Not at all! At first I thought it was just my eyes playing tricks on me, but no. I've tried everything. I relaxed my eyes, I put on a pair of 3-D glasses, I even tried to draw the rest of it in with a pencil but still it's just inconceivable the lack of back on this girl. I mean...it's flatter than a 3-day old Sprite left out in the sun...or a regular tasting Mountain Dew.

Operator: Sir, I really don't know what to tell you here with this. Obviously it can't be all that bad for you if you have the time to make quips about Mountain Dew. Honestly though, if you don't find her figure attractive couldn't you just move on to other girls featured in the magazine?

Caller: I've tried that, but this whole magazine is in an ass recession or something! They don't even got hardly any minorities in here...I mean they've got this one black girl, but she's that kind of in-between mulatto type girl where if you squint your eyes hard enough she kind of looks Puerto Rican, and still she's just as assless as the rest!

Operator: Okay sir, calm down. Here's what I'm gonna need you to do. Are you near a gas station of any kind.

Caller: Yes.

Operator: Alright, go into the gas station and head towards the magazine section. Towards the bottom you should find an issue of Black Tail magazine. Look through a couple of the pages and you should be fine.

Caller: Well alright, I'll try it.

Operator: Okay sir, and please in the future find alternative means to this kind of problem other than 911.

Caller: I'll certainly be sure to do that...oh yeah, you know what? I forgot why I actually called you today.

Operator: So you have a legitimate reason for dialing 911?

Caller: Yeah, my wife ate some candy bar with peanuts in it or some shit and went into that anaphylactic shock thing.

Operator: What?!

Caller: Yeah, I mean I was gonna call sooner but I only have so many minutes left on my cellphone plan, and I wanted to use a payphone but some lady was on it so I had to wait for her to finish, and it was just this whole big thing. Then I decided to buy this issue of playboy to pass the time, but when I opened it...the humanity!

Operator: Sir where is your location?!

Caller: You know what, don't even worry about she's stopped spazzing out since. She's not really moving all that much so I'm assume she must of tired herself out with all that wailing around, pointing to her throat, rolling on the ground and stuff. I'll just pick her up some Pepto Bismal at the gas station, she should be fine. But hey seriously, thanks for the recommendation and all that. I'll be sure to pick up that issue of Black Inches you were talking about.

(Click)

Operator: Hello sir, sir are you there? Not Black Inches, Black Tail, sir...