UFC 120 Review: Enland Sucks At Fighting. Japan Is Worse.

UFC 120 is in the books. It was a little better than UFC 119 only because it was free. Do you know how low the expectations have to be for me to say that? It's like saying "Oh Philly isn't a totally bad city, I mean they have the cheesesteak." Even if you have a delicious sandwich, it doesn't change the fact that you're an awful city. That's how I felt about UFC 120. The fact it was free was the only saving grace on this absolutely atrocious card. On paper this could have been the most fun ever. But like most things in life, this was a one way ticket to disappointmentville. The benefit of having zero hype behind a card is that it is absolutely impossible to not live up to the hype since there is none. Whatever, here's a breakdown and I hope you pussies appreciate it.

The live card opened with James Wilks vs. Claude Patrick. This fight was so shitty that Zuffa utilized the tape delay to cut it from the broadcast. I'd be surprised if it made it's way to the UFC vault or whatever the hell the call it. So they replace this fight with Cyril Diabetes against Alex Gustafsons which was an absolute beating. Cyril is supposedly one of the best strikers in the UFC but looks like absolute horseshit and gets lit up on the feet and beat up on the ground. Little known fact: blocking punches with your face isn't an effective defense when trying to stop your opponents set up for a rear naked choke. The Swede gets the win and I don't care. When you don't gamble you have minimal investment in a fight. Good for Gustafson though I guess? He's gonna fight someone like Lil Kim next. Shit I mean LIL Nog.

Check Congo is perhaps the biggest mindfuck of a fighter in the UFC. He's a technical kick boxer who can't figure out anyone who isn't a technical kickboxer. He's also a dirty fucking cheater who's haduken is a kick to the dick. Seriously, when you knee everyone you fight in the dick at least once, you are a cheater. So dude knees Browne's dick then gets a point deducted for grabbing the shorts. You'd think he'd fight a clean fight after that right? Nope! Motherfucker keeps grabbing the shorts and the fight ends in a draw. As I said in my prefight drunken analysis, the biggest loser was the fans who had to watch this horseshit of a fight. Fuck Check Kongo.

John Hathaway vs. Gomer Pyle is a great fight. Hathaway isn't as pretty as his maybe cousin Anne. Seriously, that bitch is a fox. Back to the action. There is a ton of hype behind Hathaway based on his win over Diego Sanchez. If any of you morans have dated a crazy bitch, you know that it's not a big deal. That what beating Diego Sanchez is like. Guy isn't all there and didn't put any effort into his training camp for a fight against John Hathaway. That win built all the bullshit hype for this young limey fuck. Pyle showed him what old man strength is and farted in his face for the last 2 minutes of the second round. Okay, I'm not sure if he was actually farting but if I have a mounted reverse triangle you best bet I'm sharting all over the place. TKO via Sharts. Unfortunately, this fight wasn't ended via sharts, and went to a decision. Hathaway's hype train got derailed and Pyle earned himself a fight with Chris Lytle.

Some British guy Sass fought a Canuck and triangled him. It was a really fun fight. I dunno much bout either guy but Sass will be the new English prospect the UFC rams down our throats and up our butts (no homo).

Carlos Condit looks like a guy I really didn't like in middle school. Just his overall face is enough to make me hate him. But when he fights against non-American's I have to put aside my difference and root for the guy from New Mexico. That's what happened tonight. I told you assholes that Condit was gonna do something totally sweet and end this fight. He did via Left Hook. Then followed it up with a couple of punches that made Dan Hardy limper than a straight dudes dick in an all male review. I've never been to one of those, so I'm just guessing. Anyways this win earns Condit a fight with the loser of Shields/Kampman or John Fitch. Actually fuck that, I want him fighting Anthony Johnson. That'll be one of the most fun fights ever. Hardy gets a fight with Matt Serra for the title of shittiest shit talker in the UFC. My money is on the guido.

FINALLY! The main event that none of us were waiting for. Yoshihiro Akiyama has been discussed a couple times here and is a total disappointment in the UFC. I actually picture Dana White telling him "I'm not mad, I'm just disappointed". Saying that hurts way more than anything else a parent can tell a child. The tan one, and I'm not talking Dan Mirgliata (whatever, I'm not google checking his name) landed a massive overhand right to open the fight that had Joe Rogan cumming his pants. When Bisping wasn't finished the fight turned into a sloppy kickboxing match where a judo guy forgets he knows judo and resorts to wildly throwing overhands against a pointfighting pillowfisted british guy. For the next 14 minutes and 30 seconds, Bisping kicked Sexyama in the face and delivered a beating reminiscent of an Ike and Tina Turner BBQ. Akiyama was seen telling Bisping "Be Tender With Me Baby". Unfortunately, Bisping doesn't speak either Korean or Japanese and in the third round delivered a swift kick to Sexyama's groin. Somewhere Yuji Shimata cried. The fight ended in a Unanimous Decision for the Count and England breathed a collective sigh of relief knowing that they were infact superior to Japan in Mixed Martial Arts.