Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Absolutely Horrendous MMA Tattoo - Brock Lesnar's Sword

photo via completemartialarts.com

As if I could do the inaugural "Absolutely Horrendous MMA Tattoo" post about any other tattoo. Surely the sword that Brock has is one of the most ill-advised, poorly conceived and oft-criticized tattoos not only in MMA but on planet Earth. There are so many bad things about this so lets just get down to business.

Brock Lesnar's friend said on ESPN E:60 that Brock told him he got the tattoo because he always felt like he had a knife in his throat. Why that translated artistically into a phallus on his chest is a mystery to me. It's right up there with how the fuck Heidi and Spencer made and spent 10,000,000 dollars since they became inexplicably famous. Seriously, how the hell does "a knife in your throat" become "A samurai tried to murder me via breast-sex"?

I am, by my own admission, not a weapons expert. Nevertheless, I have never seen a sword that gets bigger and wider as it gets closer to the tip. It kind of seems like the opposite of a knife or sword. Perhaps it is some reverse-tapered Nordic weapon. I don't know why it appears veiny. I also don't know why it has a blood dribble on the end of it when it is clearly just laying on his chest, not (ahem) penetrating his neck.

Aside from the seemingly endless phallic jokes that have been and will always be made, the tattoo itself has no depth or any kind of anything that would make it appear to be creating a wound. It is essentially a sticker.....of an action-grip penis. In the end, I feel bad for the guy. We all have made stupid mistakes in our lives but this one is up there. Every time he gets ready to head off to DeathClutch Gym and he goes Double Pits To Chesty he has to see that damn thing. That has to suck even worse than being a grown man doing Double Pits To Chesty.

But as with all unfortunate tattoo decisions there are solutions. Laser removal (you can afford it Brock) is a solid option but that will definitely set back training. Another good idea is a cover-up. Some people have already thought about how exactly to cover the sword up. I leave you with this from The Jason Ellis Show:

The World's Greatest Brock Lesnar Cover-Up Tattoo

Join me in celebrating this piece of awful, tragic artistry in the comments section!


  1. Alan Belcher, Tim Sylvia, Babalu, Roger Huerta all come to mind as awful tattoos.

    Alan Belcher's speaks for its self. Its almost as if he got the tattoo when he was 15, before he grew into his body.

    The other guys just have the typical tribal tattoo, which to me is just as bad as barbed-wire around the bicep.

  2. I'm gonna be honest here, while it is a junk looking tattoo I've never really seen the phallic nature of it that people keep bringing up. At first I honestly didn't know what the hell it was even supposed to be, when I found out it was a sword I said "really?"

    That being said "Seriously, how the hell does "a knife in your throat" become "A samurai tried to murder me via breast-sex"?" is just full of lols.

  3. Lee, peep the top of the sword in this pic.

    It's shooting a load...A bloody load? The man has a tat that has VD.

  4. Okay yeah, the tip looks pretty suspect...but just the tip (sounds like me bargaining with a girl).