Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Brock Lesnar Breaks Free From Handlers

Fear and horror has struck Alexandria, Minnesota as it is being reported that Brock Lesnar has escaped his trainers. Apparently enraged after hearing all the talk of him retiring and already being scared from the wound inflicted by Cain Velasquez, the feral heavyweight hopped the cage at DeathClutch Gym in search of Roy "Big Country" Nelson. The gym guards armed with tranquilizers, noted that the beast formally known as BROCKLESNAR!!!, "had a crazed look in his eyes."

Minnesota officials are hunting for the creature on land as well as by air, warning that he does pose a certain amount of danger if threatened. There have been a few sightings as of 3pm today. Apparently Mr. Lesnar is protecting his face, trying to prevent further injury and was perched in a tree presumable trying to hide.

Trainer partner Chris Tuchscherer said that they are trying to lure Brock back to the gym by placing fresh meat inside the cage at DeathClutch. Although area residents are not overly concerned by the escape, they are taking a few precautions such as closing their garage doors and bringing their pets inside. "At first I was very frightened at the thought of a big ferocious heavyweight running around the neighborhood," said a resident that wished to remain anonymous, "but then we were told that he was raised in captivity, and had just been beat down by that Mexican guy. I guess I might be more concerned if I had a mullet."

Roy Nelson

Fellow fighter Tito Ortiz, always eager share his insights, urges everyone to remain "in a state of calmositude." UFC president Dana White adds, "You just don't know how these heavyweight fuckers will react sometimes. I think he is just confused right now. I just can't bear thinking about our money maker out there in the cold, all alone."

Law enforcement plans on keeping watch around the perimeter of DeathClutch gym overnight. They are hoping for a safe return for the big Viking but warn people not to try to subdue him by themselves. This is a matter that should be left to the professionals.

1 comment:

  1. I put my pet elk in the tub just in case the Brock Lesnar makes it out west.