The Art of Douche: An uncomprehensive look by UD.

Man is an intriguing creation, contradictory in both nature and science. We supposedly pain for a better existence, yet revel in our own self pity. It seems that for most of us success can only truly be appreciated from before when viewed upon others, and from after already lost to ourselves.

Now this quote has absolutely jack squat to do with this posting, but I thought it would be a classy way to start off an article about jerk bags. The douche is now spreading at an alarming rate. Before seemingly regulated to Monster Truck shows, Limp Bizkit concerts, and Seaside Heights NJ, it now seems that thanks to the current crop of reality slop shoveled forth on our television sets combined with the growing admiration for all MMA related violence this phenomena has only spread.

Something you should know about the douche, it's everywhere. All around you, at any moment, in any location you could be exposed to the douche. It's in the air you breath, the water you drink, and the bars you got to to enjoy sporting events. There is no universal physical characteristics for the douche as it varies from region to region and race to race. You could come across the "bright colored tight pants, Fro-hawk sporting, scarfs in the middle of summer" douche typically associated with the "rappers have run out of good ideas" movement currently taking place within the Hip Hop community, or perhaps even the "gelled up hair, short sleeved, fist pumping, gym rat" douche commonly synonymous with the "Guido" culture perpetuated by shows like The Jersey Shore. This particular appearance of douche is not to be confused with the "glitter skull shirt, menacing tattoos, bright red Mohawk, supposedly training in all systems of fighting" douche as this group primarily habitats around anywhere a UFC event is being broadcast (see Aggressive Aggressive Douche below).

There is a wide variety of common known douche to be found all throughout nature. The many different types of douche can include:

The Passive Aggressive Douche:

"Hey Joey, just thought you should know that your ex-girlfriend Sarah is dating Gregg now. Yeah sorry bout that, but just thought you should know because I care so much about your feelings and all. So much that you should be informed that your ex who you're still just getting over is getting Gregg balls slapped to her face...on a nightly basis...those big ol' hairy Armenian walnuts just dangling on her forehead. Just cause I care though."

The Aggressive Aggressive Douche:

"What's up bro, you wanna go? You wanna go mother fucker, what's up? No, hey shut up Sheila I'm handling it, we're fucking doing this bro. It's fucking on. What's up, what you wanna do fucker, I'm right here. I'm right here bro, let's go. I'm knocking you out son, I'm gonna knock you the fuck out! Let's fucking go bro! Hold on, hold on let me take off my skull shirt before I FUCK your shit up son! Hold this shit Dominick before I smash this guy...NO HOMO BRO, NO HOMO!"

The "unaware of his own douche" Douche:

"Hey dude, you catch that Nickleback concert the other night?"

The "I think my numerous tales of drug/alcohol fueled hijinks preceded by a laundry list of all the intoxicants consumed beforehand all strong enough to make an elephant shit itself to death, is actually in some way endearing and will impress and inspire others when I relate to them these tales of general jackassery and other sloppy irresponsible behavior" Douche:

"So dude, me and Smitty and my cousin Hooch were out the other night totally hammered out of our fucking heads son! I'm talking blacked out, falling down on ourselves, vomiting on random bitches walking by pushing baby strollers, fucking out of it bro. So anyway yeah, so we drank like 4 Budweisers, 6 shots of 5 hour energy, smoked 3 bowls, had 2 shots of pine-sol, shot 8 ounces of 4 Loko right into our veins, licked a frog's vagina, then shoved a fistful of Tylenol pills up our asses and we were soooo gone bro. So like yeah, we totally wandered into a maternity ward and switched all the babies around so nobody didn't know who the fuck each baby belonged to, fucking Peurto Rican families going home with Asian kids and shit. Shit was hysterical son! So then Smitty like started going into cardiac arrest or some shit so we left him there cause, you know, fuck it we were already in a hospital and everything, and plus there was some doctor dude nearby that said he'd take care of him. But then on our way out some dude told us 'thanks for shopping at Cracker Barrel' so we were like, dude where the fuck are we and who the fuck did we just leave Smitty with? Yeah dude so anyway, the reason I'm calling is cause I'm gonna need some bail money..."

Cool story bro...

And finally, The Elitist Douche:

"You just don't like it cause you can't understand it...etc...etc...
I'm a real fan...etc...etc...
You didn't start paying attention until so and so started getting popular...etc...etc..."

There is no known cure for the douche as it stands now. If a member of your family has contracted this affliction they must be separated immediately, some would perhaps suggest execution as the safest means of handling the situation (just make sure to burn the bodies afterward so as to contain the infection). I just hope all of you out there can keep yourselves and as well as your loved ones safe as we prepare for a new epidemic the likes of which you've never witnessed before (unless you happen to be watching 85% of the shows currently on television).

Good night, and good luck.