I will refrain from using the term "Happy Thanksgiving" as it may offend any of our non pilgrim readers out there. It's a day to get together with people you usually don't talk to and pretend to want to interact with them. I for one am thankful for family, pretend friends on twitter, pepperoni calzones so massive that the bowel movements that follow would turn your anus into an outie, and Halle Berry's sex scene in Monster's Ball (even if Billy Bob Thorton looks like he does stunts for the Crypt Keeper in gay movies). Lastly I want to thank UD, for letting a nigga's article writing schedule run on CPT.
So enjoy this year's turkey Holocaust while we celebrate the day right before the Pilgrims land jacked the Indians (Ayo Tonto, I like that land you got. Let me hold that shit for a minute son) and forced most of them to flee back to their home country to become telephone operators in Mumbai (I think that's what they taught in school, but then again it's not like I went there).
I would like to say that I am thankful for reconstructive shoulder surgery, HDTV, my rice cooker, Sharron Angle getting denied by my fellow Nevadans (so, so thankful), L&L Hawaiian Barbecue, Boise State vs. Nevada in primetime Friday night, Pinkberry, my Mom, my fat ass cat Marjorine, my wonderful fiance who took such good care of me through surgery and recovery and to the crew here at UD for giving me something constructive to do with my free time.
ReplyDeleteIf anyone plans on going shopping Friday morning at the crack ass of dawn....don't. There is nothing to be gained by fighting with the American lowest common denominator over a flat screen TV/Nintendo Wii bundle. Because face it, that Wii fit game will never get used and the balance board thing will quickly become a catapult to propel cheetos into your fat face at high velocity.
Why does it have to be called "Black" Friday anyway, why couldn't it be called "White People Smell Like Cheese" Friday, just saying.
ReplyDeleteThe real reason is because it is the day that most companies go out of the red (losing money) into the black (making a profit). It really should be called "If you are lined up outside a Toys R Us at 4am you are a fucking moron in desperate need of psychiatric care Friday" but you know us white people always gotta play the race card.
ReplyDeleteI know WHY they actually call it that, but I still wanted to say something mean about white people. I'll have my cake and eat it too thank you very much! Except we won't be having cake tomorrow, I'll be eating a nice cherry pie (and then I'll eat some desert afterwards).
ReplyDeleteYou should try Mojave Desert. Mmm Mmm Good
ReplyDeleteAll I remember after reading this and the comments, is that Tom has a fat pussy that he's named Marjorine.
ReplyDeleteDamon! Hahah I thought it was my job to make fun of Tom's kitty. Well since that's already covered...
ReplyDeleteThings I'm thankful for...that my wonderful family lives on the other side of the state, my friends/babysitters that keep me out of harms way, The Walking Dead, mushroom risotto, Lee for letting the others pick my poptarts, Tom for your silly cat, Damon for your perfectly timed gif's and your adorable dog, and especially Matt for introducing me to my new favorite vodka and for letting me hang out over here.